Saturday, 31 January 2015

A Selection Of Marketing Pitches I Put Together To Exploit The Otherwise Uneventful Month Of January, Which Were Inexplicably Never Greenlit

Because 'Dry January' is boring and doesn't even rhyme.

Although it is for charity.

So that's OK.

1) BakeAFlanuary
Pies have ridden a wave of nostalgia to renewed relevance. Tarts never really went away. Whatever happened to flans, with their versatility and their pleasingly tidy presentation and their flantastic gift to cookery page headline writers? When will they have their moment in the sun?* During BakeAFlanuary, that is when, with its print, TV, radio and online recipe push. Vital to get either Bake Off or Hemsley + Hemsley on board.
Who makes the money? Manufacturers of ready-made pastry casings.

2) Panuary
The number of people in this country learning to play the pan pipes has dropped by 67% in the last 10 years**. It's unclear just what's responsible for this worrying drop-off, but if the hip young pan-pipes player had made it into the final cut of Richard Linklater's School Of Rock, it's unlikely we'd be here. Through workshops, concerts and free taster sessions, let us keep this ancient, breathy musical tradition alive. It's crucial that an influential global star takes up the cause and features pan pipes in their next work. Targets: Taylor Swift, Ed Sheeran, Kanye. Or One Direction to use them in the 'unplugged' mid-section of their next arena show, to demonstrate their 'real music' credentials.
Who makes the money? The craftsmen of the Andes.

3) BarbaraAnnuary
The various members of The Beach Boys spend a month fighting it out (ideally just with music, but with weapons if further television bait is needed) to decide which of them really has the right to own the touring name The Beach Boys and celebratorily rerelease the 1965 surf-pop classic. It's The Hunger Games in Hawaiian shirts.
Who makes the money? Hopefully not Mike Love.

4) Caravanuary
Let's bring this great British holidaying institution to a new generation. Scandi decor. Marimekko soft furnishings. Fairy lights. Exterior paint jobs. Festivals. Encourage families and friends to see how many people they can squeeze into their caravan toilet and upload a picture to social media. Introduce the hashtag #CaravanOfLove. Ellie Goulding to rerecord the Housemartins' song***. Advertising campaign to carry the closing slogan 'Caravan holidays: are you ready for the time of your life?' (This only works if you know the lyrics to the song. Could be problematic.)
Who makes the money? Paul Heaton. People who are desperate to sell their caravans.

5) FancyDanuary
Similar in concept to Movember, this enables men to express themselves more flamboyantly in terms of their physical appearance without fear of censure or ridicule, under the carapace of charitable endeavour. The wearing of head-to-toe velvet, paisley, long flowing scarfs, winkle pickers, cuban heels and sock garters is all legitimised for one month only.
Who makes the money: The charities. Vintage clothing shops. Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

6) EatMoreBranuary
Remember bran? It was yesterday's quinoa. And where is it now? Consigned to the breakfast buffet in lower-mid-budget chain hotels, dribbling out of plastic containers where you turn a handle and expect a plastic egg filled with a toy to plop into your bowl. Instead it is just All-Bran and it doesn't even go in the bowl, it just goes all over the table and you wonder whether you should do anything about clearing it up and in the end you don't.
Who makes the money? The farmers. I think. Is it farmed? I am an intelligent, well-educated woman and the fact I don't know exactly where bran comes from clearly illustrates the need for action.

7) I'mYourManuary This can go one of two ways. It's either a personal crusade by me to prove to the world that this is indeed the world's greatest Wham! song. Closely followed by Edge Of Heaven and Everything She Wants. Or, more selflessly, a charity single featuring a) George and Andrew finally reuniting in order to cover Leonard Cohen's song of the same name, and b) Leonard, in turn, singing the Wham! stormer.
Who makes the money? George and Leonard. Sorry, Andrew. Great to have you back though!

8) JudithHannuary
An initiative to boost the number of women in science broadcasting, inspired by the first lady of Tomorrow's World. BBC4 can make one of their docudramas, with Anita Dobson as the present day Judith, and Jessica Raine to perm up as the younger character. David Tennant first choice for Michael Rodd. Simon Amstell in a breakthrough acting role as Howard Stableford. Mark Gatiss to write the script, naturally.
Who makes the money? Currently, the Royal Mint, but in the future, we'll be relying purely on a digital system of currency. Here's Judith to explain more.

9) BigInJapanuary
A month-long UK music industry showcase for all those disposable pop bands you thought went down the dumper (© Smash Hits) until you saw them on a reality show speaking candidly about their struggles with life out of the limelight from the comfort of their inexplicably well-appointed and large home set in lush, rolling grounds, with stables. How was this sumptuous faux-Tudor mansion afforded? By phenomenal success in the Far East. Can the likes of A1 regain the levels of adulation in this country that they found overseas - in just 31 days?
Who makes the money? Loads of people who, contrary to expectations, don't appear to need it.

10) Can'tScanuary
A month-long amnesty for frustrated poets who struggle with metre to submit their unfinished verses to publishers and receive honest and constructive feedback.
Who makes the money? Realistically, no one.

*Flans can contain milk, eggs, cream, fish or meat, and should never be left directly in the sun. Always keep refrigerated.
*** Urgh, I have just done a search on YouTube and PIXIE LOTT HAS ALREADY GOT IN FIRST. It is for the Matalan charity scarves thing though. Matalanuary?

1 comment:

London City (mum) said...

Your January sounds like it has been just as frustrating as mine. Sort of a LinkedInanuary where you take the initiative to 'up' yourself and your business profile, get a swathe of responses, then realise most of them are merely damp squibs and the interviewers young enough to be your offspring.
Money? Still waiting.