It's true to say that when it comes to fashion advice, this blog is not necessarily your one-stop shop. But what is that gentle breath you feel upon your cheek? It is the winds of change.
We are opening the Style Bible 2.0 with the delicate art of accessorising. This is a balancing act indeed. Merely the injudicious addition of a gold chain can take you from Sevigny (Chloe) to Savile (Jimmy) in a semi-precious flash.
It is best to take as your base a timeless item of tailoring, perhaps a vintage Marc Jacobs blouse – and I cannot stress enough that this is a purely hypothetical example – that you were especially pleased/smug at finding tucked away in a second-hand shop in Norfolk. But I am not suggesting you set this off with a waisted belt, a classic clutch or piece of statement jewellery. Fashion is about pushing boundaries. I am urging you to unconsciously deposit a thick strand of banana rind on your chest, preferably somewhere near the blouse's defining feature – in this case, a large bow – in order to draw the eye in.
The banana rind is really enjoying its fashion moment. It is organic, ethically produced from sustainable materials, and will provoke fascinated glances from passers-by. These people are now your style disciples. It is more effective, more edgy, more totally now than, say, a cappuccino five o'clock shadow, a piece of toilet paper stuck to the sole of your shoe, or having the back of your skirt tucked into your knickers. I do, however, recommend wearing it for at least half an hour, while you walk down a busy Saturday-morning suburban street, and around a hectic station concourse, before removing it in the privacy of your train seat.
[Top, £40, vintage Marc Jacobs; bag and cardigan (just seen), stylist's own; banana, 30p, Marks & Spencer]
Next time: how to make your summer-sandal scabs totally 2009!