Sunday, 12 July 2009

Gift shop despatches

Apparently there are some people in the world whose idea of a good day out does not include either a gift shop, or a cup of tea and a nutritionally void item of baking. To those people, I say nothing because I have nothing to say to them.

Although I could perhaps wrestle my antipathy to the floor for long enough to say:

You would probably go to Kew Gardens with your friends – if you had any, which, like, you totally don't – and you would stride through the shop in your ugly shoes, with your overrated sense of purpose, on your way to the toilet, without a sideways glance and you would completely miss the Never-Ending Wall Of Technicolor Confectionary.

You are the kind of person who thinks there are two kinds of jam in the world: red jam and marmalade. You would probably look at this jar of High Dumpsie Dearie, which I have learnt is a traditional recipe for Plum, Pear & Apple Jam, and think, 'Why don't they just call it Plum, Pear & Apple Jam?'

You are probably not even excited by salt and pepper shakers – or a 'cruet set' as people who write copy for mail-order catalogues are wont to call them – in the shape of guinea pigs.

Your heart is made of sawdust and steel – not silk and steel, that would make you Five Star – and nuts and bolts done up too tightly. If we were at school, you would probably borrow my felt-tip pens without asking, and press too hard, and then not put the tops back on properly. You have to push them on until they click, you savage.


Anonymous said...

Oh Miss Jones, did you by any chance buy me some Dumpsie Dearie conserve? You know how fond I am of a pear, so to speak... Lady C

Miss Jones said...

No, but I was in Foyles the other day and picked you up a bookmark which had lots of information on it about the scandalous Lady C. It is more exciting than it sounds, but only just.

GregHorrorShow said...

I like the Never-Ending Wall Of Technicolor Confectionary... very very much.

Anonymous said...

Take me to the gift shop now! I must confess I always prefer the gift shop to the actual exhibition. It so much more fun! Guinea pigs... genius! Lx

ren said...

goodness, i think i am in love with those guinea pigs.

Miss Jones said...

Look at their little baffled guinea pig faces! Who would ever need a real guinea pig when you could have these?