Wednesday, 13 July 2011

In which I remember that I used to write a blog

Hello. How have you been? You look good. Have you been working out?

It's been a while. We're all busy people. You know how it is.

But I'm still here,
the gloves are still here, and I have definitely not abandoned the place, as someone abandoned this Barbie motorhome, just around the corner from my house.


Barbie is exactly the kind of doll who would get in her Barbie motorhome for a drive with some of the cool boys from the wrong side of town, then crash it into a wall and stroll away on her long, biologically impossible legs, leaving someone (her dad, I imagine) to pick up the pieces. And pay for them. And where's Ken in all this? Working all hours at Topdoll, just to get the money to buy Barbie some stupid necklace which she'll get bored of in about a week. God, Barbie is such a bitch.

Anyway, through the medium of poor iPhone cameraship, I can bring you the edited highlights of exactly what you have missed during my three weeks - three weeks! - of non-posting. You can tell things have turned to rust somewhat, Miss Jones-wise, by the fact that I had half my stupid finger over the lens in the picture above.

So in the last three weeks, I have been mostly:

1) Raging against the ill-punctuated.



Shame on you, TCM channel caption writers, you fool's.

Also at fault: the makers of novelty item "The Surprising Leg", found at a rainy faux-country fete.


I think you will agree with the packaging designers that yes, most certainly, it '"look's so real".

I feel there is a certain pragmatic flatness about the name, however. I have had a brainstorm with myself, vis-a-vis a blue-sky name for the product. I am suggesting 'Legs and Woah!' It is at once a hilarious play on the Top Of The Pops dancers of the late 70s, the period when, presumably, this hilarious novelty was conceived, and also suggests the expression of surprise emitted by the prankee on finding the incredibly lifelike demi-limb/limbs protruding from a closed filing cabinet, wardrobe or similar.

2) To quote the defunt we're-so-much-more-than-a-boy-band Busted, Sleeping with the lights on

That's because this dancing eyeless mask of Robbie Williams haunts my dreams after I spent two and a half hours standing behind it at a recent Take That concert.




3. What else? Well, looking for signs, as usual. The omens were particularly good ahead of the recent Marbury/Miss W (as was) nuptials. Nuptials is a ludicrous word, much beloved of magazines attempting to avoid the repetition of the word wedding by substituting it for a word never actually used by real people in the real world. I am not a real person, I'm a carefully constructed fictional character, so it's OK. See also 'locks' and 'tresses' for hair. And 'don' and 'sport' for 'wear'.

Anyway. The signs:

First, a heart-shaped crisp in my bag of Walkers on my train journey to Wedding Town.

Secondly, a double yolk in my B&B-breakfast poached eggs on the Big Day. Look at the two yolks of Marbury and Miss W, joined together in the albumen of eternity.

I don't know what it says about me that I then ate them both.

Anyway, it's nice to be back.

6 comments:

trashsparkle said...

damn those inappropriately placed apostrophe's.... keep every young oik on at school until they're at least 27/able to make their way in life without misplacing their punctuation. it'll certainly do the tories a big favour re unemployment statistics AND national literacy levels.

that foot is eeeeeerie - and if you squint a bit it looks like a fake plastic overly-crisped mini-baguette...

London City Mum said...

Superb.
I particularly like the soul-less head of Monsieur Williams bobbing from side to side. Eerily spooky.
Can see why you are haunted.
I would be too if I paid that kind of money and all I could see was a screen and a giant stage with Oscar (as in the statuette) embracing it with tassled arms.

LCM x

Alison Cross said...

Read a thing on the BBC website about the amount of money that experts reckon businesses lose because of shit spelling on their websites.

The wrong use of apostrophes drives me absolutely fecking daft. There's an A-board advertising sign in town that has 'its' listed three times and each time the word is used, it's the wrong one.

I find myself turning into a Tourettes person every time I see it.

Glad to have you back. Don't bugger off again.

AX

Pauline said...

Oh, I've missed your blog! Lovely to see you back - sporting gloves, scoffing double yolks and celebrating nuptials with crisps.

The greengrocer's apostrophe is a horror, of course, but I find myself more able to forgive its misuse when scrawled on a blackboard than when it is used in something more official, such as the TCM caption. My pet hate at the moment is the sign on a printed banner flying above a local pub - '2 carvery's for the price of 1'...

Nick said...

This is a most welcome return of your blog, which I quite simple adore.

May the good Lord bless your war on ill-punctuation (is that right?) and bring you victory.

Write again soon Miss J.

x

Miss Jones said...

Thanks, gang. That's really nice. x