Only when I barf

When I was little, I would occasionally watch a hospital-set sitcom called Only When I Laugh. It was on ITV, so I was probably feeling pretty bloody rebellious whenever I tuned in.

I remember Peter Bowles and James Bolam in dressing gowns and striped pyjamas. I probably remember Richard Wilson in a white coat.

And I think I remember this: as a kind of catchphrase, James Bolam's character would beckon someone to his bedside, lift up the sheets that covered him and say 'Do you want to see something really horrible?'

Well, readers, that is what I'm saying to you today.

This is what someone, somewhere, is calling the Christmas pizza.

(Hand: model's own.)

The traditional pizza base is wearing a vest of gravy under its toppings. There are thick layers of turkey. There are diced roast potatoes. There is some kind of sausage meat/stuffing aspect. There is brie.

I will say that again. There is brie.

There is a large amount of jam cranberry sauce.

Even though this is, on paper, a revolting proposition, you will notice from the picture above that half of the pizza has already been eaten. This is because in this sort of situation, the Infinite Grazing Thereom comes into practice, which says that if you leave any item of food, however unpleasant, in the environs of a group of office workers for long enough, eventually it will be eaten.