Lashings of lift-based awkwardness

I discovered as a child, through reading the young detective fiction of Enid Blyton (who was born on my road, above the DIY shop, blue plaque fans), what a lot can be learnt just by keeping your eyes and ears open. For the Secret Seven, the lesson that a man is more likely to steal and trespass if he has a beard. For me, a couple of days ago, how not to give someone a compliment.

I was in the lift at work with two money-harvesting automatons from the advertising floor.

Overtanned female bonus-bot: I've been wanting to say this to you for ages and I'm going to say it now because you're leaving tomorrow, and I know it's a bit weird because it kind of sounds like an insult but it's not, it's actually a compliment…

Aggressively heterosexual male bonus-bot: [Already slightly insulted] Right…

OFBB: It's just [speaking suddenly very fast] you've got really nice eyelashes and it makes you look like you're wearing eyeliner all the time.

AHMBB: Erm… Right. So you're basically saying I look like I've got make-up on.

OFBB: No. I'm not saying that. You've just got those sort of eyes, they're just, I don't know, sort of… [The doors open on my floor and I get out]

It is this kind of smooth-talking that has led to several magazine closures and a take-over.