Once more with feeling, Thom

Just before I turned off the radio this morning, I heard some vox pops which had been recorded after Radiohead's gig in Victoria Park last night. 

What would the crowd make of the worthy despairniks? It was a mixed response. Not enough hits, said one man. Brilliantly, another said he could have done with a bit more 'pizazz'.

Radiohead shouldn't be too arrogant to take on board this kind of constructive criticism. Times are tough. People can't afford the nights out they used to – and each show that's had hard-earned cash splashed on it has to deliver, from beginning to end. I'm talking value for money, spectacle and 110% entertainment. Here are some notes from an off-the-cuff brainstorm which happened earlier today. 

2+2=5  The lads play schoolboys in shorts and caps, behind old-fashioned desks, while a sexy lady teacher gives them a maths lesson. We are, of course, paying homage here to Busted's classic What I Go To School For video. It would be a nice touch if Radiohead could segue into a cover version at this point in the set. I'm sure 'Matty' Willis would be free to come along and jam with the guys.

Fake Plastic Trees We get Jim Henson's creature shop to create a crazy, larger-than-life puppet woodland to dance around the band as they play. Trees are totally hot right now, and it's a chance to put across a very powerful ecological message to the young crowd. Really confident Thom and the team will love this one.

Pyramid Song What else would the crowd be baying for at this point but the classic sand dance, or, if you will, some of the moves traditionally performed to Walk Like An Egyptian. You just know Thom's got a pair of pins to die for under those slouchy jeans, so let's have the band in teeny, tiny tunics, and behind them I'm thinking golden dancing sphinx and pogoing palm trees. This could start an internationally-flavoured, round-the-world medley as we move seamlessly into… 

Karma Police It's Radiohead go Bollywood! Let's flood the stage with colour – police uniforms in fuchsia, orange and gold for the band, flowers strewn everywhere. The crowd will be simply unable to control their feet as dancers pour down from the stage and move among them, infecting them with their sheer exuberance.

High And Dry Two words, boys. Radiohead fly.

Look, lads, I'm just throwing some ideas around, freestyling, blue-skying it. But bear it in mind, eh? Group hug!