Tuesday, 22 April 2008

Dear Mr Slash

Dear Mr Slash

I'm writing to apply for the position of lead vocalist with your band Velvet Revolver, as advertised on various popular websites.

I don't know if this has ever happened to you, Slash – if I may be so informal – but lately I've had the feeling that I'm drifting, career-wise. I'm at a crossroads. I've been looking for a fresh challenge, a sign, if you will. I wonder if this is what it was like for you when you left Guns 'n' Roses, although perhaps Axl Rose's insistence on behaving like a drug-addled megalomaniac may have had more to do with your desire to seek pastures new.

I know you're a busy man so I won't waste your time. I feel that this is exactly the calling I've been waiting for. Let me first tell you something about my 'vocals'. I was regularly picked to sing solos at primary school, although I was always controversially overlooked for the prestigious first verse of Once In Royal David's City at the school carol concert but THAT'S JUST FINE. Choose a photogenic small boy, if you must, and don't blame me if there's some kind of nervous bladder incident. Then only a few years ago, at a Christmas karaoke work party, someone who was no more than very drunk told me I shouldn't sing with anyone else because 'they would spoil it'. However I do believe in total honesty, Slash, so let me say this. I'm not very good at singing the high notes, but since your previous vocalist was a man, I can't see that this minor shortcoming would hinder my application. 

As regards references, I would refer you to my friend who works at Kerrang, who I bumped into in Uniqlo at lunchtime. She told me that in a recent interview with the weekly rock bible, you had stated that you're fed up with unreliable frontpersons, and that you're looking for someone who can turn up on time and get the job done. Mr Slash, this is your lucky day. My timekeeping is excellent, as long as I am not required to be anywhere before noon, which I think is unlikely in the world of contemporary music performance. And as any of my friends would testify, I am extremely sensible. I have never even lost my mobile phone. I thrive on responsibility, and should my application prove successful, I would be happy to take on any additional band-related duties, eg starting birthday collections for members of the crew, organising quiz afternoons or editing the Velvet Revolver newsletter. I really think this could go places with a few new fonts and the addition of horoscopes or perhaps some fun puzzles, such as a heavy rock-themed wordsearch.

In addition to my not inconsiderable vocal skills, I believe we have a lot of other things in common which would make life 'on the road' go smoothly. Firstly, I, like you, am afflicted with naturally curly hair. Imagine the late-night chats we would have in our bunks on board the bus (I would have to take the top one as I get travel sick), discussing the merits of Bumble & bumble Curl Creme versus Aveda's Be Curly, and comparing wide-toothed combs. It would be a truly bonding experience, I believe, and I hope you don't think I'm speaking out of turn when I say you really would reap the benefits of a good six-inch trim. Those split ends are not going to grow themselves back together, whatever the latest 'miracle' product promises you.

I also have a keen interest in baking, which I know would go down a storm with you rock boys and your 'munchies'. And I'm not just talking leather-trouser-straining cakes and biscuits – I can also provide a range of healthy muffins and flapjacks. These are ideal as a nutritious slow-release pre-show energy boost, as opposed to the usual quick-fix pick-me-up. And by that I mean drugs.

Anyway, enough about me. I look forward to hearing from you very soon and keep up the good work.

Miss Jones


Anonymous said...

But surely you'd need a scarf to wrap around your microphone?

Miss Jones said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Jones said...

Oh, I have a scarf. Just not the scarf.

Thanks, though, for REOPENING THE WOUND.