Tuesday, 26 August 2008

These boots are made for burning

I would like to be able to pretend to you, friends, that life is all swiss roll and mild sexual content, but the fact is, there are darker forces at work, all around us, all the time, and I cannot hide this from you. At any moment, we may turn a corner, only to be assailed by Fear and Pain, waiting to jam a sprig of unlucky heather into our buttonholes.

It happened to me today. No, no, don't worry, I'm OK. You know, in myself. But this morning I turned the page of the magazine I was flicking through, only for my eyes to be maimed by the sight of the Ugliest Shoes In The World.

I'm sorry that I have to visit them upon you in turn, but you cannot run from real life. And the truth is that someone, somewhere, finished the manufacturing of these boots, and said, metaphorically or otherwise, 'Hey guys, look what we made! High five!'

I think with their patent detailing, they may be essaying some essence of brogue. But what they actually look like is a pair of not very nice brown suede boots, with a pair of not very nice black stiletto sandals worn over the top. This, however, is such a repellant notion which goes utterly against all that is natural and right, that your brain refuses to entertain it – and instead thinks it is looking at a pair of bare legs which are actually made of brown suede, wearing a pair of black patent slingbacks. Which in turn would suggest, if you are the hapless wearer, that:

a) your depilatory and moisturising routines could use some attention
b) you are probably choosing to present your legs as being a dramatically different skin tone to the rest of your body
c) you are one half of a pantomime horse.

The composite garment is, any form, a wretched and deceiving creature. You're enjoying some recreational shopping. You're admiring a shirt, which appears to be displayed in a 'serving suggestion' style, beneath a sleeveless jumper, on a hanger. However, when you try to separate them you find they are stitched together, and the shirt you have fallen for is no more than two sleeves, a collar and half a decolletage. Oh yes, you can wear it, but only with the tank top that they – the Fashion 'System' – have deemed its perfect partner. Well, comrades, I will not be told. If I want to wear a tank top with nothing underneath – like some kind of sleeveless Michael Douglas-at-the-disco in Basic Instinct – that is exactly what I will do, and damn the chafing. If I want to own a blouse that is made from more material than the average handkerchief, I will not be stayed.

This Frankenstein vestment is, in my experience, found in shops who imagine their customers to be busy career girls on the go, women who actually admit to having a working wardrobe. Oh yes, one of these superwomen can multi-task – breastfeeding triplets while simultaneously doing pilates and giving a presentation on corporate response to climate change – but can she select, and furthermore put on, two different items of top-half clothing in the morning? Oof, give her a chance. We only got the vote in 1928. Baby steps.

3 comments:

The Flying Shrimp said...

Ahh, the patent Mary Jane boot. A GM Hybrid if ever there was one. But much to my absolute dismay, I recently perchanced on an item of footware(I use the term loosely)even more horrendous. The Knitted Sock Boot. I believe UGG have a knee length version but the Knitted Ankle Sock Boot (henceforth known as KASBo - rhyming with ASBO for good reason)seen in a shop window in Bath was a true violation of my visual rights. It has all gone horribly wrong in the world of hosiery and cordwainery. It's all cobblers.

Anonymous said...

The boot is truly hideous. As are most of the blouse/jumper combos you have mentioned. In their defence, however:
*they require much less ironing (no tricky buttons)
*they are only one layer thick so can be worn for the 3 days a year when it is so warm that anything comfortable and cool enough to wear isn't actually considered decent in the workplace
*there is absolutely zero chance of pit stains
*the arms and bust can be a little more forgiving than their shirt cousins so the curvy don't have to go up so many sizes it looks like they're wearing a school shirt to grow into

Defensive, moi?

Miss Jones said...

Agent Shrimp, I am intrigued. Was it a proper outdoor boot with a sock attached? Or a knitted sock/slipper/bootee combo? I am, I confess, a secret fan of the latter since I am, in general, an enthusiast of all lounging attire.

Anon, we welcome you. We do not judge. Well, I clearly do. But in a friendly, approachable way, I like to think.