Thursday, 28 August 2008

What fresh hell is this?

Following the boot/stiletto unishoe, and the shirt/jumper combigarment of my previous post, today in Dorothy Perkins I stumbled upon further joined-up madness in the dregs of the sale. A shirt (nice) sewn onto a skirt (OKish) to make a dress (TOTALLY DERANGED). Where will it all end? I will tell you. One day in the not-too-distant future every one of us will be wearing all-in-one adult babygros with hoods and laughing as we remember the dark days of separates.

I hung the skirt-shirt-dress on the end of the rail while I fumbled with the camera on my phone, and during this time someone actually picked the fabric behemoth up with genuine enthusiasm slash admiration. They proceeded to hold it up against themselves for several minutes in the mirror. Readers, I knew not whether to laugh or cry. As they pondered, I noticed them doing their Trying On Clothes face. Everyone has one – a highly individual combination of scepticism and studied nonchalance. In the same way, everyone has a Photo Face – the expression they effect when posing for a picture, which they think portrays them to their best advantage, and disguises their least favourite part. Most people's expressions are identical in any posed picture you see of them – in the shadow of the Eiffel Tower, at a birthday party, to the left-hand side of the bride.

Mrs Jones, in her own words, 'can't wear hats' and I believe this is entirely due to her Hat Face, which is at once apologetic and embarrassed, so that as soon as she tries on any kind of headgear, it immediately looks all wrong. Confidence is key. The confidence to wear a hat. The confidence to know something looks good or not. The confidence to match your own stupid clothes together. 

And big breath in and out.

And I'm moving on.

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